Wife-Mom-Boss

Took a bit of a blogging hiatus…but I’m BAAACCCKK! And ready to talk about “Parenting A 2E (Anxiety) Child.” It’s stuff that is uncomfortable to talk about, but nonetheless, the cold hard reality of loving, advocating for and supporting a child who struggles with big emotions and anxiety and some of the resources that have helped us thus far.

Links to recommended books listed below:

Allie All Along by Sarah Lynne Reul

In My Heart by Jo Witek 

Raising Your Spirited Child Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

Breathe Like a Bear by Kira Willey

#Iam1in4

A rainbow baby is a name coined for a healthy baby born after losing a baby due to miscarriage, infant loss, stillbirth, or neonatal death.

The American Pregnancy Association, estimates that 10 to 25 percent of pregnancies result in this type of spontaneous loss. But the exact number of rainbow babies born every year isn’t known, largely because miscarriages are often under or unreported. 

March of 2017, I became apart of this daunting statistic. We experienced our first miscarriage at 12 weeks. To say that this was one of the hardest moments of my life would be an understatement. I knew exactly what was happening and what my body was physically doing, but mentally accepting it, that was the toughest part. I remember thinking, “This can’t be happening to ME…”

The night before we went in to get confirmation that I had indeed lost the baby, I remember taking a bath and holding my belly as I prayed and sobbed. “Please Lord, this can’t be happening to me, please Lord…” 

But the next day, as we listened to silence, and saw no movement on the ultrasound, it was confirmed that we had lost the baby. 

We were then given the choice of inducing a natural miscarriage with a medication called misoprostol or having a D & C at the hospital. We choose to take the medication and to naturally miscarry in the privacy of our home. 

I don’t know what I was expecting, but I know that I was not emotionally or mentally prepared for what I took place that day. When contractions started and I felt the urge to push, I got out of bed and squatted over our toilet. 

In hindsight, it totally makes sense that my body would expel the embryo, but seeing it there, in my toilet, lifeless….It’s an image I’ll never forget for as long as I live. 

My husband and I had the remains cremated and casted inside of the most beautiful, porcelain blue bird. I look at this beautiful mama bird as I type this now. Knowing that the remains of my baby now rest inside her belly forever more. She is a reminder of the life that could have been. She is a reminder of the experience that DID happen to me, that DOES happen to so many of us: The loss of a child and the brunt of emotions that come from the betrayal of your womb as she rejects something you want to keep so badly. 

I wish I could tell you that was the end of our miscarriage  journey, but it wasn’t. 

When I went for my follow up appointment, my doctor noticed that I still had quite a bit of tissue left in my uterus. The natural miscarriage was not successful and I was at high risk for infection or scar tissue forming in my uterus. What I thought was just going to be a check up appointment, quickly turned into an emergency D & C. 

My best friend came with me to my appointment and was in the waiting room with my then 1 year old son. My husband was at work and offered to come, but I told him I’d be fine, it was just a little procedure. Right? Ha!

As I write, I reflect on my decision not to have him there with me. I’m still not sure if I would do it differently though. Apart of me is ok with my decision to go it alone, because till this day, my husband has never seen me in such pain before (both my deliveries were pain free and I smiled the whole way through lol). But another part of me wishes it was him holding my hand and not a complete stranger, who I feel I burdened with my pain and grief in those few moments that the procedure lasted.

I had the option of being put to sleep with a general anesthesia, or local anesthesia with numbing medicine. I was, and still am till this day, terrified of being put under, and have never experienced general anesthesia. And seeing as most of the tissue had already passed from the natural miscarriage, I elected to have the procedure done under a local anesthetic. Meaning, I was awake for the whole thing. The doctor did numb the area, but it wasn’t very effective. I felt and heard everything.

Till this day, it was one of the most painful experiences of my life. My doctor, God bless her, kept apologizing as she was scrapping and sucking the tissue from my uterus. “I have to get it all out sweetie, I’m so sorry…” she repeated. Tears streamed down my face as I held the hand of the nurse trying not to vomit from the pain. I remember thinking, “Why can’t this just be over already…? This is too much pain…”

Flash forward 6 weeks later. My husband and I decided we would try again. I had 3 chemical pregnancies. Back to back. I was devastated. And ready to give up. Or at least take a break from trying. It was too much for my heart. I felt like I was just losing my babies and it was best if we just stopped trying. 

But, we decided to give it one more go, and then we’d take a break. 

August 23rd, 2017. We had a positive pregnancy test.

I remember thinking, “This is a strong line! I think this one is gonna stick!” 

And she did…. 

My rainbow baby, Miss Cassiopeia Rachel Dailida was born April 17, 2018. 

I take this day to reflect on the storm, the pain, the dark days, the grief. I reflect as a testament that even after the fiercest storms, there is still beauty, there is a rainbow. 

To any mamas who have experienced a miscarriage, know that you are not alone. It is ok to be sad, it is ok to grieve, it is ok to be angry. It’s ok to feel those feelings and to feel them hard. 

But know this; the storm will pass. Let me say that again. THE STORM WILL PASS! And when that rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean that the storm never existed, or that you’re not still dealing with the damage and debris that storm incited. For the significance of rainbows are not to erase the storm, but to remind us, that even after the darkest of clouds, and fiercest winds, there is still beauty in this world.

“Every time I look into my daughters eyes, I’m reminded and humbled by the beauty of life, of hope. For she painted away my dark clouds with the colors of the rainbow…”

– Jasmine Dailida

I tried to stay quiet…I promise I did. But I’m two glasses of wine in and there are too many Black men who need to hear this. So here the f**k we go…

To the Black men who voted for and support Donald Trump: For you, this is not wasted breath. To you, I write the following Op-Ed. 

Bro,

In these closing days of the 2020 presidential campaign, a remarkable and surprising measure of campaign attention is falling upon African American voters — specifically a small and typically overlooked segment: young Black men. Several recent polls have found that Trump actually has more support from Black men now than he did in 2016 — an estimated 17% compared to the previous 14%. (The Hill).

I have seen your posts, your comments, your memes. I have seen your support for this man. So rampant, so passionate, up and down my newsfeed, like a true Karen. But it’s not Karen. It’s you. My Black brotha, my fellow millennial. It’s YOU!

At first, I was too infuriated to listen, too pissed to try and understand your point of view. But, I’m ready now. For you, I’m ready to listen, to learn. And thus far, this is what I have gathered: 

You Don’t Like Kamala Harris – Or better yet, you don’t think she likes you, a Black man in America. And let’s be real according to her track record, you have good reason not to be a fan. Given her early departure from the Democratic Presidential ticket, her record, in some senses, escaped a thorough vetting. And even though she is now on track to be our next VP, we are still waiting for answers. And here come those Democrats, urging you to push aside your feelings on her record to VOTE! “Vote like your life depends on it!” a popular phrase that Kamala has coined. But as far as you’re concerned, you are! So let’s talk numbers. Let’s talk facts. FACT: During her time as San Francisco’s district attorney, the conviction rate jumped from 52% to 67%. FACT: From 2002–2005, during her tenure, Black people made up less than 8% of the city’s population but accounted for over 40% of its police arrests. FACT: While she was attorney general for the state, her office oversaw over 1,900 marijuana convictions— convicting people on marijuana charges at a higher rate than under her predecessor. FACT: One of the biggest criticism of then-Attorney General Harris was in 2011, when she  openly defied U.S. Supreme Court orders to reduce overcrowding in California prisons and argued against expanding an early parole program in court. FACT: For many of these reasons, she was not my Democratic nominee either homie! I wanted Buttigieg, but ya’ll ain’t ready for all that! LOL! But seriously bro, I hear you. I do. But let me ask you this: Why is it that time and time again white men have been able to sit behind the Resolute Desk in the Oval Office for more egregious offenses in their past? Why is it that they can be forgiven for their past transgressions with an apology? An apology, that in most cases, wasn’t even asked for?! Most importantly, why is it that when these things happen, they are so quickly dismissed as just politics? Why is it just politics for him, but not for her? 

I’ll tell you why. It’s because the most disrespected, unprotected, neglected person in America is the Black woman (MalcomX).

You think Trump’s got your back on criminal justice reform? The man who is all about being “tough on crime” and “the death penalty” ? And sure bro, it’s played out, but for good reason…his role in “The Central Park Five,” sends chills down my spine every time I read about it. And please! Take a look at his First Step Act. Which rather than reforming the system itself, mostly involves backend reforms that affect those who are already incarcerated. It does not address frontend solutions to the issues that funnel people of color (YOU AND ME) into the justice system in the first place. Issues such as over-policing, bail reform, racial profiling, mandatory minimums, all of which are left unaddressed. And don’t get me started on Mike Pence and House Bill 1006! Which he only agreed to sign after lawmakers made changes to make the bill tougher on offenders convicted of drug crimes. Forcing them to serve 75% of their time opposed to the original 50%. So now Black residents in 23 counties in Indiana are three and a half times more likely than white residents to be arrested for marijuana possession, despite having similar marijuana usage rates. FACTS. 

So if you truly think that Trump and Pence are the ones to lead us toward real criminal justice reform — let alone govern for the next 4 years with us in mind, you got it all the way twisted bro… (Level – Why Black Men Don’t Like Kamala Harris — And How It Can Stop). 

To be continued… 

“TRIBE” – A word that I know I used very frequently when referring to my Fit4Mom mom-friends. But recently, I got called out on a post for using the term “tribe”! And the mama who called me out did so in the most respectful and sincere way, that I was able to put my pride aside and truly HEAR what she had to say and to LEARN. And after doing some more research on my own, I wanted to pass on this knowledge in efforts to eradicate this word all together. The following comes from my favorite teaching magazine, Teaching Tolerance.  

“Tribe” promotes a myth of primitive African timelessness. Under U.S. law, “tribe” is a bureaucratic term. But away from the law, Native Americans often prefer the words “nation” or “people” over “tribe.” When Africans learn English, they are often taught that “tribe” is the term that English-speakers will recognize. In English, writers often refer to the Zulu tribe, whereas in Zulu the word for the Zulu as a group is isizwe, meaning “nation” or “people.”  When we see that the same term is applied indiscriminately to Native American groups and African groups, the problem of primitive savagery as the implied common denominator only becomes more pronounced. The idea of tribe we have today cannot escape these roots. – The Trouble with Tribe” by Chris Lowe.

I recently found the most awesome blog post from Gemma Regalado, “Stop using Tribe in your Marketing,” in which she states the following: 

“I am addressing white people in business in particular: stop using the term “tribe” to mean your fucking email list. What you think you’re using it for: A cute buzzword for a close-knit community of like-minded people. But it doesn’t mean that. It’s a term to describe a familial, cultural, and historical group who often live close together….So how is it easy for us as white people to take a word that we know has racial connotations and make it about us and our marketing? When we use this term, we are effectively profiting from cultural appropriation. It’s your fucking email list, not The Maasai. This is white privilege in action. Stop using this term.“

TERMS YOU CAN USE INSTEAD? TRY:

Society. Circle. Squad. Kindreds. Crew. Pack. Team. Community. Club.

So, there you have it friends! Some food for thought! And if you want some further reading, please see my list down below.

FURTHER READING

Using “Tribe” and “Tribalism: to Misunderstand African Societies – David Wiley 2013

Is using the word ‘tribe’ or ‘spirit animal’ offensive to Native Americans? – Curated by Dr. Kiona, 2018

Why you might want to rethink using the word ‘tribe’ for your business community – Eli Trier, 2019

The Trouble With Tribe – Chris Lowe, 2001

Stop Using Tribe in your Marketing – Gemma Regalado, 2020

Hey guys! Here is my latest vlog! 
Below are the links to all the Toys/Activities! Enjoy!